Dear Friends,
I hope this note finds you managing well during these challenging times.
Within the OU and its departments, we are focusing meaningful effort on considering and addressing the issue of sinat chinam, providing both food for thought and practical action points that can help us begin to demonstrate care for each other and ameliorate our nation’s divisions by adjusting both our thinking and actions. We invite you into this process in the hope that you may find it meaningful and helpful, add your own energies to this effort, and be in touch to contribute your own thoughts and ideas. Thank you to all who have already shared their thoughts and ideas.
Here is part 2.
Imach. I am with you.
That is a word that says it all, including and encompassing all that we can offer and that we seek from others. Nothing is more meaningful than feeling seen, understood, and cared about by another.
Imach is the word Hashem used to express His commitment to us, His pledge that wherever we go and whatever we endure we will not be alone, that His caring eye and presence will be there both watching over us and sharing in the pain of our challenges.
“Behold, I am imach, with you; I will protect you wherever you go and I will return you to this land for I will not forsake you until I will have done for you what I had promised.” (Bereishit 28:15)
“Moshe said to the Elokim, ‘Who am I that I should go to Pharaoh and take the children of Israel out of Egypt?’ And He said, ‘For I will be imach, with you.’” (Shemot 3:11-12)
“I have been imachem, with you during this difficulty, and I will be imachem, with you when you are subject to other kingdoms.” (Brachot 9b)
Imach is likewise the word that the Torah (Shemot 22:24) used to encapsulate our responsibility to be there for each other. “When you lend money to My people, to the poor person who is imach, with you….” Imach tells us to demonstrate empathy, to identify with the needs of the other and see them as our own (Rashi), and to convey to that person that we are with them at their time of need. Importantly, our Sages also saw imach as encouraging the prioritization of the needs of the family and community members who are already with us and reliant upon us.
Imach is not only a way to make someone feel a bit of compassion in the moment or to provide them with a specific item that they lack. It is a way to give others – inside and outside our families and inner circles – the gift of relational connection that will have significant overall impact on them, enhancing their health, well-being, and resilience. It is widely recognized that the atmosphere of imach is one of the many gifts provided by belonging to a religious community, as that community provides us with connection to others and where the individual’s presence or absence is noticed. A study by Harvard’s School of Public Health of 89,000 participants found that between 1996 and 2010, those who attended any religious service once a week or more were five times less likely to self-harm. Being noticed by others, being smiled at by others, being cared about by others, is part of the magic of community, but it will not happen by itself; it requires me and you to be the ones who notice, smile, and care about those we encounter in our community, especially those more prone to feeling alone.
Last week, we approached the issue of sinat chinam starting small, pulling out our ear pods to try to notice those around us a bit more. I have found that to have a heathy impact on my awareness and superficial connection to others. The next step is to go further and make a specific effort to provide someone with that sense of imach by taking a bit of time to check in on them, to listen, and to demonstrate empathy and care. This could be achieved by going out of our way to have a conversation with a family member, check in on a colleague or neighbor, or make a call to someone who will welcome hearing from you.
I want to consciously commit to at least one such interaction every day, finding someone who would appreciate knowing that someone else noticed. It cannot end there. There are serious issues within our people that cannot be avoided. But perhaps by beginning to passionately pursue peace and show love for others, the greater peace we all seek will get a bit closer.
I hope you will join me in this effort. I am calling it Imach Yomi.
Is there an app for that?
Have a wonderful Shabbos and may we be blessed with besoros tovos, much good news.
Moshe Hauer
PS – for those who wish to see something on the Parsha, please see the Dvar Torah below, also focused on this same theme.
Lashon HaTov
Sinat chinam (vain hatred) is both generated and expressed by lashon hara, negative speech (see the 3rd paragraph of the introduction to Sefer Chafetz Chaim), making the guarding of our tongue, shemirat halashon, essential to building peaceful togetherness. Towards this end, in our parsha (Devarim 24:9) we are given the central mitzvat aseih, positive commandment of shemirat halashon, as we are instructed to remember that when Miriam spoke negatively of Moshe she was struck with leprosy and had to be isolated from the community. Revisiting that story provides three specific positive directions that can directly impact our personal relationships and our current communal dynamics.
First, we can engage in speaking to each other rather than about each other. As described in the original narrative (Bamidbar 12:1), Miriam had spoken b’Moshe, about Moshe. Had she chosen instead to share her concern directly with Moshe the issue would have generated connection rather than isolation, triggering a discussion between them about the Torah basis for his choice. Our Sages taught that instead of using the tongue to speak negatively about others we should use it to engage with them in Torah study (Avodah Zara 19b), as in that context even arguments lead to mutual love and respect (Kiddushin 30b). We should not speak negatively about people with whom we have not directly and meaningfully engaged.
Second, look at others with an eye to identifying their strengths. We are prone to severely misjudge the people whom we criticize, lowering them to be within striking distance of our disdain. Miriam’s attack on Moshe began with the assumption that they were prophets on equal footing. “Is it only to Moshe that God spoke?! He has spoken to us as well!” She had failed to see the greatness of Moshe that is a core principle of our faith, that he was in a league of his own whose prophesy was qualitatively different than anyone else’s, lo kam b’Yisrael k’Moshe. Thus Magen Avraham (OC 60:1) cites the Kabbalistic teachings of Rav Yitzchak Luria, the Arizal, who suggests that we should recall Miriam when in the bracha before the shema we speak of Hashem’s bringing us close to Him, “so that we can be grateful to (Him).” “We were created to be grateful rather than to speak negatively.” The story of Miriam reminds us that anytime we speak of other individuals or a different segment of Klal Yisrael we should begin by clearly identifying their strengths, the areas we can appreciate in them and where we can learn from them.
I was privileged to learn this value from years of having the responsibility to deliver eulogies. The maspid in instructed to speak positively and generously about the deceased while avoiding exaggeration (Yoreh Deah 344:1). Though some might consider this impossible in some cases, it has been the experience of many that given the responsibility to uncover the good in others, we can easily see how every person – even those with meaningful flaws – has unique strengths and praiseworthy qualities that we can easily identify when we are charged with doing so, even though left to our own devices we will usually focus on the negatives.
Third, identify strongly with those whom we speak about. The dynamic of lashon hara and of sinat chinam is predicated on an assumption of “us vs. them” that immediately evaporates when we stop and recognize that we are each other’s flesh and bone. When Miriam spoke against her brother Moshe and contracted leprosy as a result, Aharon helped Moshe bring her back to health by having him see her illness as his own, that her suffering was as if half of Moshe’s own flesh had been consumed. Instead of striking back at Miriam or meeting her words with a stony silence, Moshe instead used his power of speech to pray to Hashem for Miriam to be healed. We all can make that choice, when faced with “others” we may be tempted to put down and criticize, we can instead see them as ours and pray and work for their betterment.
We can take steps to bridge our gaps if we engage in speaking to each other rather than about each other; look at others with an eye to identifying their strengths rather than their flaws; and if we identify strongly with those about whom we speak and instead of putting them down, pray for them to be uplifted.