Study focuses on what single Orthodox men and women want in a spouse, the processes and systems used to find dates, and what individuals and community members can do to help singles find their match
Many Orthodox singles who are ready to get married are doing everything they can to find a spouse, and yet they’re struggling to find their match. At the same time that they’re navigating a complex dating landscape, they’re also managing feelings of blame and judgment they sometimes receive from the community. A study from the Orthodox Union’s Center for Communal Research (OU-CCR) from September 2023 urged the community to change its treatment of singles. The OU-CCR has just released a new follow-up study, called “The Challenges of Singlehood among American Orthodox Jews Part II,” which calls on the community to help singles find their spouse.
The study, which underscores the OU’s commitment to this population, sought to answer the questions: what are Orthodox single men and women looking for in a spouse? How are they finding dates? And most importantly, what can we as a community do to help them find their match?
The OU-CCR’s mission is to help the Orthodox community better understand itself through data. Part I of the study, entitled “The Challenges of Singlehood Among American Orthodox Jews,” was released in September 2023. It educated the Orthodox community about the experiences of singles, who often feel judged, blamed, and marginalized by the broader community.
Part II, drawing from the same data, examines the experience of finding a spouse in the Orthodox community, via methods including dating apps and websites, and “finders” — matchmakers, friends, family, and community leaders.
“There’s a different dynamic that transpires when you use a dating app, versus when you’re working with a matchmaker,” says Dr. Rachel Ginsberg, principal researcher at the OU-CCR. “Singles who used matchmakers were more likely to say that they had been on a date over the past six months with somebody they might be interested in marrying. We saw this as a positive dynamic of engaging a matchmaker. On the other hand, some singles relayed that they didn’t always appreciate the quality of their interactions with matchmakers, as in cases where matchmakers offered unsolicited advice.”
From February 5, 2020 to March 6, 2020, eight online Jewish dating sites circulated a survey compiled by the OU-CCR to their subscribers. Of 2,369 total respondents ages 18 to 82, 64 percent were women, and 36 percent were men. Sixty-five percent of survey respondents reside in the tri-state area of New York, New Jersey, and Connecticut, something Dr. Ginsberg believes is representative of the broader singles population. Participants self-identified as Modern or Centrist Orthodox (58 percent), Hasidic or Chabad (6 percent), Modern Yeshivish (6 percent), Modern Orthodox Machmir (4 percent), Liberal Modern Orthodox, Open Orthodox, or Conservadox (3 percent), or “some other type of Orthodox” (8 percent.) In addition to the survey, OU-CCR researchers also interviewed 23 of the single women, 18 of the single men, and 46 matchmakers and communal leaders.
Dr. Ginsberg emphasizes that CCR’s primary concern was always to paint an accurate picture of singles’ experiences, while approaching the study with extreme sensitivity for everyone involved.
“We tried to to honor singles’ and finders’ experiences, recognizing that matchmakers are doing everything they can and are working altruistically, lishma,” she says.
Among the study’s takeaways is that despite the US trend towards choosing to marry later in life or not at all, most single Orthodox men and women want to get married and build a family. 92 percent of male respondents and 84 percent of female respondents said that they believe that their lives would be fuller and happier if they were married.
Another takeaway is that living in New York City may not necessarily be advantageous to singles.
“Singles living in New York City go on more dates and meet more eligible people,” says Dr. Ginsberg. “But from a qualitative perspective, as we learned in Part I of the study, New York City singles are less satisfied with their communities when it comes to feeling a sense of belonging, or having roles in their shul, for example. Conversely, while those who live ‘out of town’ may go on fewer dates, they reported feeling less isolated than their New York City counterparts. It’s a trade-off of pros and cons.”
Dr. Ginsberg also notes that certain terms thrown around in the dating scene like “a good man” and “Modern Orthodox” mean different things to different people.
“Hashkafa is an ambiguous and aspirational term,” she says. “When a single person is researching a potential match, it’s important to learn about their behaviors, beliefs and desire to live their life from a Torah-values perspective, as opposed to which box they may fit into. The study pushes people to really evaluate exactly what’s important to them. The more singles understand for themselves what they’re looking for, the easier it will be to find their match.”
The study provides tips for finders to best help singles in meeting their relationship objectives. One of the takeaways for matchmakers is the imperative to cultivate healthy relationships with the singles with whom they work. Setting explicit expectations on both ends around finances and communications, for example, can go a long way in reducing or eliminating misunderstandings that might arise.
Beyond seeking the assistance of matchmakers and websites and apps, 32 percent of males and 38 percent of females cited family and friends as a source for their dates in the last six months.
“The role of singles’ family and friends — those who know them the best— often gets overlooked,” says Dr. Ginsberg. “An important takeaway from the study is that it’s everyone’s responsibility to help singles, not just matchmakers. As such, we should keep singles top of mind, and at the forefront of our interactions.”
Dr. Ginsberg cautions, however, that while each community member has a vital role to play in helping singles to find their spouses, it’s critical that finders educate themselves to do so effectively and respectfully.
“You can’t just throw two people together,” she says. “Find out what the person is really looking for. Be thoughtful; only offer advice when it’s solicited, and don’t approach someone if they’ve never talked to you about it. If you want to open the door to a conversation, do it in a way that’s sensitive and respectful of their privacy.”
In the study’s foreword, OU Executive Vice President Rabbi Moshe Hauer underscored the responsibility of community members to help singles in their pursuit of finding a spouse.
“Our intention in publishing this study is to lend substance and prominence to our critical responsibility to help the single men and women of our community in their quest to find what they are seeking and to achieve even greater personal strength and fulfillment through marriage,” he wrote. “We are our brothers’ and sisters’ keepers…Our responsibility as brothers and sisters is to be proactively engaged in making sure the other is whole in every way, that they are not left lacking anything which is rightfully theirs.”
Rabbi Yisrael Motzen is the director of ASHIVA, a new OU department established in July with the goal of ensuring that those who often feel marginalized within the Orthodox community are warmly welcomed, cared for, and respected for who they are.
“In addition to helping people to find a spouse, we are trying to create a cultural shift where people who are not married are not treated differently than those who are,” he says. “Unfortunately, one of the study’s findings is that many single men and women feel that they are treated differently by the community. As this is not deliberate, our hope is that by shining a light on this issue, people will be more attuned to how they interact with the single population and be a lot more supportive.”
Tzipora Grodko, a motivational speaker and advocate for single community members, is grateful to the OU for spearheading this initiative, and for bringing the challenges of Orthodox singles within the Jewish community to light.
“Many organizations approach the ‘shidduch crisis’ in a way that often amplifies fear and anxiety,” she says. “The OU stands out by taking a different, proactive approach — asking, ‘What can we do to help?’ Instead of making assumptions, they sought answers directly from singles themselves, recognizing that those living the experience are best equipped to articulate their needs. This is the kind of thoughtful leadership we need more of. In consulting these men and women directly about their needs, the OU is working on solutions based on facts, rather than assumptions. This demands a certain degree of humility, and everyone can learn from the OU’s example.”
YUConnects and Congregation Bnai Yeshurun will host “Singlehood: A Parent’s Role,” on January 28, 2025 at 8:15 pm at Congregation Bnai Yeshurun, 641 W Englewood Ave. in Teaneck, New Jersey. Rabbi Moshe Hauer, Orthodox Union Executive Vice President, Rebbetzin Efrat Sobolofsky, director of the YUConnects matchmaking-and-education program, Dr. Rachel Ginsberg, principal researcher at the OU-CCR, and Rabbi Elliot Schrier will discuss the study’s findings as they relate to parents of single men and women. To register, please follow this link: www.bnaiyeshurun.org/events.
To read the OU-CCR study “The Challenges of Singlehood Among American Orthodox Jews Part II,” visit research.ou.org/shidduch.